My parents insisted on taking me to Edinburgh airport themselves so rather than taking a train on Friday night and sleeping at the airport a little I instead set off at silly o’clock in the morning for a long car ride up to Scotland.
At the airport there seemed to be one or two others who had got there before me, I recognized one from London orientation. Quietly sitting in one corner of the terminal, amidst the holiday makers ready for their Ryan Air flights to the land of sun and cheapish booze (who else flies so early in the morning?) was a smartly dressed Japanese guy who I just knew from looking at him had to have something to do with the Jet programme.
At the appointed hour he sprang into action, tickets were dispensed and that was that. We had a strange short haul flight to Heathrow, during which we were given breakfast- airport food, now there was a blast from the past, I had never had such a thing since I was a kid, in my adult life I’ve been solidly a budget airline man, none of this BA fanciness.
The wait at Heathrow for our next flight to Japan was long, dull and drawn out but eventually, with much glee, we boarded the plane. Our hell was just beginning.
The design of long haul aeroplanes is very cruel. Some real sadists must be behind the designation of seating arrangements in those aircraft. We entered through the front door and so through first class we bounced.
First class looked absolutely lovely, the people there seemed to have little cubicles of their own and chairs which seemed to be able to convert into full beds. Mega jealous but alas it was not to be, no way would Jet even in its glory days of the late 80s ever pay the big money for us plebs to fly in such style.
Through the plane I walked…next came what I believe is called business class. Cushy chairs, plenty of leg room and nicely sized gaps from your neighbours…ah if only Jet still flew folk on business class. But no.
Scum class it was to be.
Like cattle we packed our bags into the over head lockers (Like cattle? OK, bad comparison) and squeezed into our chairs. I was in a middle chair with young Japanese women either side of me. One proved rather decent and we chatted a little a few times during the journey. I was certainly fortunate in getting such small people surrounding me. The place was cramped enough without the thought of having chodders taking half your seat.
Those seats…man. They were so cramped I couldn`t touch my feet on the floor. It was just impossible for me to bend over enough. When it came to lunch time and the trays were down…I was trapped. Completely trapped.
I will say one good point of the flight- the entertainment. As previously mentioned I haven`t flown with a `proper` airline since I was a boy. Back then entertainment generally consisted of having to buy some special earphones and then you could listen to a small choice of radio stations or the audio track for whatever was showing on the communal TVs (usually Mr. Bean).
Here on this flight though we had some sort of little computerized media centre built into the chair in front of us. It was really rather good, the games were lame but it had a decent choice of films and TV series to watch.
During the flight I managed to watch Lost in Translation (better than the first time I saw it but still meh), Paul (first time I’ve seen it. Not as good as expected at all) and Hall Pass (another first time film which was totally different to expected. Where the hell was Stephen Merchant`s bits?) and a few TV bits and bobs.
Despite the cramped conditions I also managed to get a little bit of dozing done, during one spell of which I managed to get a bit of red wine on myself somehow. Oh joy.
But the flight was so long…12 hours I believe. Unfortunately the amount of time I was unconscious during it was but a mere fraction of that. The rest of it…a sticky, nasty mess.
Something I had eaten didn`t agree with me, some of the plane food was a bit dodgy I believe. Thus there was a spot of Montezuma’s in play、which let me tell you was quite horrific in those cramped conditions.
Then there was the sweat, so much sweat… I could literally FEEL how awful I must have smelled. With the length of the flight, my long journey to the airport before hand and my general stressedness and forgetfulness in not taking a shower after I’d been to see my friends, by the end of the flight it had been two whole days since I had washed. Nasty, nasty, nasty.
When I got to Tokyo and retrieved my baggage (after a long and agonising wait to get through customs) the first thing I did was changed my shirt. Which helped a little, the core stench was still there however.
So yes. In conclusion; flying long haul SUCKS.
Even putting money issues aside for a minute I really don’t see myself visiting home too often I have to go through that again. One of the worst experiences in my life.
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